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On the road again!   
05:34pm 31/05/2008
 
mood: annoyed
Three years of peace and quiet have done me a world of good.  I would have made it four.  Or six.  Or maybe even ten.  But Jack called me again today.  You knew he would, I'm sure.  It wasn't his first call.  And perhaps not even the most urgent.  But it would have killed just a little more of my spirit to have ignored it, especially today, which would have been Arthur's birthday.

Of course Jack knew this.

As you see, he's still just as much an ass as ever.  But he's right.  If I go now, I can do some good.  I can help people.  And maybe, just maybe, we can save some lives this time.  There's a lot of fighting going on in the world right now.  If I'm very lucky, this time I can stop some of it.

Peace for mankind, is worse than war.
For war lives with every man, however poor.

I can't remember where I first heard that.  It seemed so horrible to me at the time.  Now, as I am older, I think there may be wisdom in it that I never saw before.  When things are in the open, they can be talked over.  They can be dealt with.  Fires may be burning, but the explosives are used up.  Then again, perhaps we can only exist in a simmering fertilizer of resentment and hatred.

If that's true, then maybe my job is just to keep both sides simmering without hitting ciritical temperatures.

So here I am, back at the airport for the first time in nearly three years.  I spent so much time in airports before my hiatus, that it feels like coming home again.  An airplane should not feel like home.

I guess we will see how things go.  Perhaps I will have lost my edge, in any case.  Oh believe me, I tried that one on Jack too.  You know how stubborn I am -- I'd very much like to screw this up just to prove him wrong.  Unfortunately, there are lives at stake here, so it's not that simple.  

Sometimes, I wish I really was the cold-hearted bitch I often have to play in the board room.		  
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Please, help me.   
10:14pm 10/02/2006
 
mood: dazed and confused
I need help.

Serious help.

And I don't know where to turn.

I'm lost in the middle of the greatest struggle of my life.

And I know, if I give it everything I have, I can make it turn out alright.

But what then? What's left after that? Will there be anything left of me? It's going to cost me everything I've valued about myself to do this.

And in the end, I'll have achieved a dream. Something I've strived for, for so long.

And I'll be alone. Maybe forever. I'll never be able to make someone else understand it all. Understand me. I thought that would be hard before, but now it will be impossible. I'll have to become someone else.

Again.

So help. Please.

Someone.

Anyone.

Before it's too late.		  
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What now?   
10:17am 04/08/2004
 
mood: restless
Slept for fourteen hours last night. Whomever said you couldn't catch up was just entirely wrong. I haven't spent a lazy day doing nothing in I don't know how long. It feels good. I'm going to walk out to the beach now -- I can see the waves lapping the sand from here. That was the view that sold this place to us, Arthur.

I remember that day well. We were young and full of hope for the future. When we came here, we thought it would be too expensive, and that we could never afford it. We were just pretending, enjoying the tour. And then when we got home, and you got the phone call. The contract. And we knew what we had to do.

We just didn't have enough time to enjoy it together, did we? Not nearly enough. Maybe I should sell it, and find another place. I just don't have the heart to do it.		  
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saying goodbye to tel aviv   
04:46pm 03/08/2004
 
mood: drained
I like my life. Really I do.

I don't like being drawn back into the mess, everytime I think I'm free of it. Returned to Tel Aviv for some emergency tie-ups. It's funny, getting people to trust me is always a lot easier than getting them to trust someone else. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. It seems harder to sell yourself, but it's not when it comes down to it.

I met an Englishman on the flight back, name of Frederick. Yes, spelled like that. It looks odd to me, too. He reminded me a bit of you, Arthur. Cute in that boyish way, but with a hint of depth in his eyes, and a sharp wit. It caught my attention, and a bit of my heart. It surprised me there was anything left to catch. I know, you knew it, Arthur. You were always the smart one.

I'm not sure what to do now. When I lost you, I threw everything away to bury myself in work. Now I've thrown that away to, and I have to face the emptiness. I just don't know where to start.		  
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Going home (again).   
09:43am 19/07/2004
 
mood: exhausted
The trip home was not as uneventful as I would have liked. It seems that one party had a change of heart. Got a phone call from Albert at the last moment, and had to return to the hotel for another thirty-six hours of intense negotiations. Let's hope it sticks this time. Long enough for me to get home, and get a good night's sleep in my own bed, anyway.

This is supposed to be my last assignment. I just want it to be over.		  
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Homecoming   
03:13pm 16/07/2004
 
mood: nostalgic
Finally heading home now. It's been productive, but I'm longing for the feeling of my own bedclothes. You know, I've almost forgotten the colour. It's funny -- Arthur and I even fought over it, and now I can't remember. I think maybe it's time to buy new ones.

It won't be long now. If all goes well, I might not see the inside of another airplane for years.

I miss you, Arthur.		  
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archaeon
 
 

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